As a child sitting in the passenger seat of my mother’s car at a traffic light, a man walked by my window and looked at me. I locked the car door.

The man was black.

I’m a white female.

The man continued walking but looked down. He balled his fists.

I had the fortune of having a mother who immediately hissed at me “Why did you do that!?”

My mother continued on “You can’t do that! You made that man feel bad because of how he looks.”

Because of the color of his skin.

Because our society systemically promotes racism.

I had internalized two of the most common implicit biases (and probably a ton of others):

⁃ Black men are dangerous

⁃ Black men are criminals

This despite spending 7 years of my childhood in Plainfield, NJ where my very best friend and next door neighbor Chris and his family were black. Where in fact, most of my neighbors were black. Despite my mother teaching me that we don’t treat people differently because of their color.

When we moved from New Jersey to the Poconos, the neighborhood looked very different. Very white. Save for the neighbors across the street from us: Darlyn and her husband. They had a son named Drake – a delightful boy my sisters age. They had a baby named Drew too. Such a happy baby. My mom added them to the roster of children she babysat in the neighborhood to earn some extra money.

When we went to stores people would give my mother nasty looks. Sometimes they called her names (names I didn’t understand at the time). They inexplicably only did this when she (a white woman) had our black neighbors with us. The people who stared and called names were always white. These neighbors left the neighborhood after a few years.

In college I remember feeling vaguely uneasy with the concept of affirmative action. It didn’t fit my narrative of meritocracy (that those who get ahead get ahead because they deserve to. Because they’re smart and they work hard.)

Never mind that from K thru 12 I had the incredible fortunate of having parents with the means to continually move us to better public school districts, areas with less and less crime, and better funding for education.

Where the tide really turned for me was out of college. I lived and worked in Baltimore (as a cop). Baltimore was the first place where I began to realize the impact of so many injustices inflicted over centuries. Everything is impacted: housing, medical care, police, education, and more.

I’ve always tried to treat people well. My mother taught me that. It’s not enough. Baltimore is where I really began to see that.

To my BIPOC, I see you.

To my LGBTQIA, I see you.

To women, I see you.

To my intersectionalized identities, I see you too.

When you begin to see, it’s uncomfortable. Reflecting on the harm you’ve caused when you’ve never intentionally harmed others is difficult work. It’s work worth doing. I’m still working.

I’m working every day to be more aware of my implicit and unconscious biases. To be aware of and use my privilege to help others. To be anti-racist. There’s a lot to do.

If you know me and had a reaction to the title of this blog – I ask you to examine it. If you had a reaction to the concept of meritocracy, examine it. If you’re tired of all this “black and white” or “black and blue” ‘stuff’ – then EXAMINE THAT! Examine EVERY time you feel defensive or reject something. I’m asking you to learn.

As a learner, it’s ok to be wrong. It’s ok to change your mind on a subject when presented with new information. And it’s ok to make mistakes. A lot of us are learning right now and there is/can be real and meaningful change occurring. Be part of it.