It’s my favorite time of the year: fall. 
And really fall. When the weather starts to turn colder and the last of the beautiful foliage is falling off the trees in anticipation of winter. I’m filled with anticipation for ski season: planning my season, cramming last minute conditioning, and chasing snow when and where I can before the MidAtlantic’s season gets underway. 
I just came off a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday home with family after what I can only call my single greatest year of personal growth. This followed what was likely my single most challenging year as an adult. 
I had an incredible rarity this weekend: no scheduled work. So I took advantage by getting my hair cut, spending a Saturday night having drinks and playing board games with friends, and I had BIG Christmas plans for Sunday. 
My plan was to listen to Christmas music, binge holiday movies, and decorate my place. I was really looking forward to this as it would be my first year decorating a place of my very own. Since I moved out of my childhood home I have always had roommates, husband, or a boyfriend who helped decorate. The day started well: I pulled out the decorations while in PJs and hit my first hurdle: no tree. Shit. 

(I didn’t have a lot of room in my new place and hadn’t kept my previous fake tree when I moved.)
Nothing to fear. I could get another one. So I dove into the other decorations. I started with lighting up my balcony. As I was stringing I started to sweat a little and came to the realization that I’ve never put up lights. Lights were always “the man’s” job. Not that I had ever verbalized that (and isn’t that a weird gender role I’ve adopted in my life?) But as a child, my dad did it. As an adult, it was always my significant other. 
That’s when I had the the first major descent on what became an emotional roller coaster of a journey decorating for Christmas: I don’t have a husband. I don’t have my old house. I don’t have my old tree. Ooph. 
I very nearly decided I wasn’t going to decorate this year. After all…I don’t decorate every year. I spend a lot of time away from home in December every year, and there’s a lot to clean up. Then I thought: fuck that. 
I was looking forward to this. I like decorating for Christmas. 
I finished the lights and moved into the house. I cleaned and decorated and made a sandwich. I felt pretty good and took a nap. When I woke up I knew it was tree time. 
I was not looking forward to this. This would require pants. And public. And people. 
I suddenly felt fragile and very aware that this will be my first Christmas as a divorced woman. Someone who failed at marriage. At ‘till death do you part’. The guilt began seeping in like it sometimes does. I allowed myself to sit and feel it. Analyze it. The guilt didn’t feel right after a few minutes. It left me. But because I was open to actually experiencing my feelings, it wasn’t shoved back down somewhere…it actually felt resolved. 
Then I felt sad. So I sat and allowed myself to feel it. To grieve for the loss of my marriage. When I stopped feeling it so much…I put on my shoes and went to the car. 
I braved Home Depot. With its Black Friday weekend crowds. I’m not sure I’ve yet shared win y’all…but I dislike shopping. And crowds. And crowded shopping most of all. But I sucked it up and went in. I looked at fake trees. The ones in my price range looked terrible. So instead I bought a stand and a 6’ tall real pine. They trimmed and bundled it for me and even secured it to my roof (Home Depot and it’s employees were all rockstars honestly). 
I drove home with it. I set my place and the stand up and then I checked out the luggage cart from the front desk (I live in a big apartment building). I took the tree down off my roof and loaded it onto the cart (yay for being strong!). Everyone I encountered in the hallways and elevator seemed happier after seeing my tree and their happiness and smiles began making me happier. 
I strung the lights. I put the ornaments on. And now I’m laying in bed looking at my tree, patio, and apartment lit up with holiday cheer. I feel optimistic.
I won’t have the Holidays I maybe would have. Things may not go the way I envision or plan them. But life continues. And it often turns out pretty damn awesome. 
Sometimes you need to sit and feel the grief. Sometimes you need to go do the thing you don’t want to. Sometimes at the end of a day of feeling sad and alone (and braving Home Depot), you end up with a warm, cozy place of your very own . Sometimes all of that allows you to move to a place where you can feel the other things. Right now I feel thankful for my friends, family, coworkers, and those who love me.